If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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