Don't you send me to vm
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
