My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
