Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
