I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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