farters have to be the big spoon...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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