Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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