Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
