Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
