I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
