I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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