There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
