If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize