There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
