we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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