I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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