so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
