You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
