Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
