I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
