On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
