and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
