There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
