Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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