maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
