Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
