mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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