you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
