That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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