Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
