So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
