There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
