Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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