there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
