i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
