dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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