What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
