I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
