i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
