I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
