My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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