Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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