Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My vagina is very pro this idea
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