My girlfriend figured out who you are.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
