Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
