tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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