It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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