sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
