I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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