You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
