I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
