okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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