just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm always down for nudity.
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