alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
