I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
