New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
